What’s in your email box today? Spam about “how-to-increase-your-one-eyed-snake- by-two-inches”? On my side, I do get some crazy shit sometimes. Since I started writing for Bizarre a year ago, it opened up the door to all sorts of interesting (and not so) emails and I feel like I’m going to bust out again. Oups! My bad temper.

The fan mails are certainly the cutest ones I get and the ones I prefer. Not only do I get tons of compliments (good for my big self-ego), I also get comments on (their words) how positive my influence was on their life and how I helped them to free themselves from society restrictions (I like to call this my “naughty influence super power”). Fortunately, the majority of emails I receive are pleasant in content.

BUT… There are some emails I despise. Let’s be honest: I am far from being Virgin Mary and I just can’t like everyone, or in this case, every email I get. Seriously, do you think by sending me your super stats and phone number I will actually call you back? I mean, who gives a shit if you are 6’1’’, 190 lbs, all buffed up with ocean green eyes and puffy lips! Listen Don Juan: no girls like liars. If you are that good looking, why are you wasting your time writing me instead of f*cking one of your recent conquests, hun?

Also, I get what I like to call “the dick emails”. The name says it all: they are emails including photos of dicks. At first, I always deleted those photos, but now, I must warn you that I am keeping all of them in a folder. I must have collected more than 50 by now. Big dicks, small dicks, black ones, transsexuals ones… name it, I have it! I even got one shot from a guy who posed his thing side by side with a pencil to show how non-existent it is. He wanted me to humiliate him. Well, if he reads this, I’m sure he will get such a hard-on! A really big one inch. Seriously though, I am not a penis judge!

And finally: the grossest of emails. If you think you can rent me for the night to dress you up in your kinkiest pinky plastic outfits, tie your arms and feet in your back like a little piglet, and then shit in your hungry mouth to make you feel how much miserable and undeserving a living creature you are, forget about it! They say money can buy everything and business is business, but I am not a dominatrix, or an escort, and to me, the idea of brown showers is as pleasant as a never ending root canal. Seriously guys, please get your shit together… out of my inbox!

Give me your best shot: Questions, praises or critics? Ring me:
biancabeauchamp@videotron.ca
or visit me at www.latexlair.com