As many of you know, I study at university to become a high school teacher. I'm halfway through my studies; I've completed two years and I'e got only two more to go. This year, for my classes I also had to take "training classes", that is, to go work directly in schools as a teacher. My last training was in a high school from January until end of April. And so, what I had been fearing for quite some time now happened: a teacher found my web site, and made prints out of it.

Wednesday April 12th, my university councelor came to see me, prints in hands, to let me know about the teacher's found. He told me that the site was not helping my "social image", that I was not a good "row model" for the kids. Don't get me wrong! He was not bashing me. But he was doing his job... and that was to let me know that he feared the teacher would go and tell the high school about the site, and then the highschool would deposit a complaint at the university, etc. And so, he was proposing me to abandon the training in order for the other teacher to not tell about me. If he would talk, then I would face the big possibility of being expulsed from the university for "non professionalism". And when I thought I didn't have much choice, I proposed something to my supervisor: what if the site dissapeared? After all, I only had a little more than two weeks to go before I finished the training. I would then get my grade, and have plenty of time to think what to do next. He thought it was a good idea. And so, the site dissapeared in less then 2 hours. What happened was that the whole site was now password protected and only the members could access it at all. I know many of you were surprised to see that there was no trace of the site at all anywhere anymore. For that, I'm sorry. But there were no other way. Like I always say to everyone: Join My Mailing List in order to ALWAYS keep a good contact with me. That way, you will always know what's happening should anything bad happen to the site, server, or (God forbid) me!

Yesterday, I have finished my training. Since April 12th's warning, I havn't heard anything about the site. It seems the teacher decided not to talk after all. Maybe he decided not to talk to the high school principal because he felt also guilty to have found the site? After all, what was he doing on the site in the first place? :-) Wasn't he as guilty as me? LOL ...

But the question isn't even about being guilty or not. It's about personal perceptions and views. Incidently, I heard my councelor was amazed at my performance during classes with kids. It just goes to say that what I wear outside classes doesn't have anything to do with my capacity to teach kids. But I guess I can't blame them for not understanding... Latex IS after all marginal. And the teaching area is a very conservative field.


I have received over 200 emails concerning the recent events. Until now, II've always been wondering if I was appreciated more for the image I project (my body in latex) than anything else. But the overflow of emails have shown me that I can be much more than that to many of you, that my site also provides a lot of comfort to many, and sometimes even help others! And this time, in the recent hard times through which I went, you were the ones who really helped me with your kind words of encouragements. For that I am very much grateful.

And now, I've been questioning myself a lot about my future. Teaching and Modeling in Latex are both passions to me. I am very sad to see that I have to make a choice. Because it is that to what it comes down to: to make a choice. It really seems that one cannot live with the other, no matter what. I am very sad, really. And so I have been doing a lot of thinking. And I have made my choice. I have chosen to ---- drum roll please ------ continue modeling. I will not totally abandon my goal to become a teacher. I will continue to take classes part time, and I will not take the classes that require an outside training. This way, I will slowly continue to get closer to my diploma. And who knows, in a distand future, I'll get to teach a bunch of adorable kids. :-)

Until then, I also consider tht I have other dreams to persue. I want to travel and have fun in front of the camera. I love what I do here on the site, and this situation only showed me how much we live in a restrictive society, conservative and hypocrite. It showed me that I do not totally fit in that mold. It showed me that I feel a need to express myself, and if it means to be critiscised and condemned by many, then be it! But at least, I will be free. And I'll stand straight. After all, I am not alone... :-)

I am not a militant that thinks she can change everything or change everyone. But I think I can at least show what I like and tell what I think. I have come to understand that the problem I am facing with my passions doesn't come from me, but from the vision society has toward marginality/fetish/latex/me...

I do not know if I will one day be "famous" for my modeling carreer (because I can now call it a career, can't I?!). I do not know what I will be doing tommorow and where I will be. But I also know that as long as I will feel pride for what I do here, writing my texts no matter what the subject (as shocking might it be to some), and defy the camera lens, I will take pleasure in doing it all. And that pleasure is all that counts, because I am 22 years old, and I only have one life to live. Might as well live it intensively! And if some decide to crucify me, or others tell me I'm a bad example, I can always turn around and say: "you know what? I think that I'm probably more suited to understand these kids of today than any of those conservative suits that know nothing of the importance of having an open mind."

And like Martin told me, they probably lost an excellent teacher... at least, for now. :-)


Yours,

Bianca
xx