MARCH 9th 1999

    March 9th 1999.
      Sometimes people ask me what has happened to my bisexual experiences since I've been with Martin. Well, I must admit that things, when you're in love, do change.

      CLICK TO ENLARGE Well before meeting Martin I was flirting with complete freedom. That's why sometime I'd find myself with men or women. When you're single you always act in your best interest. We're only responsible for ourselves, that's all. No one else.

      When I first met Martin it was very hard to change my sexual habits. To think of it, it wasn't my sexual relationships that were hard to forget but the desire towards a woman. The strong need to find myself in her. The chill of caressing a body both mysterious and well known, since I am a woman after all.

      Slowly, I became tamer, if I can use that term. Instead of playing with men and women, I realized many of Martin's fantasies and together we started sharing different games that CLICK TO ENLARGE were perverting both of us. Lets say that our sexual life became so interesting that it made me forget some pleasure of the past. I started realizing that my numerous relationships always left me a bit empty inside; that feeling of not really being loved and me not loving back. With Martin I continued my perversion but in sharing and in love.

      Even with this love, after a while, my desires resurface. We cannot completely change what we truly are inside. That's why the need to feel a woman in my arms became stronger and stronger. Martin , like many men, was never opposed of me making love with another woman. Interestingly enough, it's always been clear to me that if I was to have an encounter with another woman, Martin would be present. CLICK TO ENLARGE This being clear, I also felt for the first time in my life this fear of seeing another woman sharing my bed and my boyfriend. It was difficult and very scary. The idea that Martin might find her more beautiful or, even worse, fall in love with her, brought chills up my spine. But after a while I calmed down. One day I understood that when you have confidence in your partner, but mostly in yourself, you're untouchable. I know what I'm worth. I'm not the best or the most beautiful but to Martin I am. When we know what we're worth and we appreciate that, I believe that we become invincible and that pleasure is in our grasp. No more jealousy or pain. Only pleasure. Of course some people might say that we can know what we're worth but we are not protected by the mistakes of our partner. On that I would say that not only do we have to appreciate ourselves but we have to be with someone who will appreciate us for who we are and not who we could become. There's no point in staying with someone who doesn't see us the way we really are. There's no point in staying with someone with whom we have to play mind games and to lie to ourselves. Like I was saying, one day I understood all that and the desire to be with Martin and another woman has intensified. CLICK TO ENLARGE You bet! Some people might say that I could've had an adventure with a woman without Martin but, personally, I would've felt like I was betraying him. Since I've been in love, I have to admit that I've been nothing but loyal. And for that reason I prefer sharing that with Martin.

      Two years ago, I met a beautifully tall woman; very simple in her beauty. Martin and I were both attracted towards her. Because, yes, I did let Martin touch her too. All of this was eventually evolving into a threesome.

      Sophie never had sexual adventures with other women before. For that reason, I took my time while flirting with her. Even with all my efforts, things didn't work out as planned. CLICK TO ENLARGE She was visibly shy and uncomfortable which made me uncomfortable as well. The same applied to Martin. For those reason, and others, Martin also started to be unattracted to her. And I think that her hairs should've been better groomed. She really had too much… Harsh words you might think? Not really. It was all part of the experience.

      The next day she left and I never saw her again. She never called back, and even avoided me in her own way. Thinking back I see now that she tried this experience because she knew I was bisexual and that I represented to her a person with whom she could finally try this new experience without really knowing if that's what she wanted. I don't like to think back on that experience because I feel used and abandoned. I was disposable, and it's not a good feeling. I then promised myself that I would think twice before trying a threesome again. I also told myself that the next woman that would like to slip into our bed would really have to show me her desire.

      CLICK TO ENLARGE Recently, Martin and I made new friends at the Fetish Funhouse : Dominic and Karyne. In her games, Karyne is more a sub then a dom. She likes to wear leather, but since she tried on my blue and white latex dress (you didn't see that one yet… ? ) she seems to have fallen under the spell of this incredible material.

      I feel from Karyne an attraction for me and my body. She seems to really enjoy my company , and Martin's. I feel that she has an attraction to me. But still, I remain on my guards. She's become a good friend that I wouldn't want to loose. She never had experiences with another woman before. Needless to say, the last thing I want is to reproduce what happened before! I prefer to take all the time that is needed to know her better, and to know her true feelings of what she wants. I'm not saying anything will happen for sure. I don't think of that. I really try to let things happen in their natural course of actions. At the Fetish Funhouse we have lots of fun together; the switch is turned to « social » and « flirt ». And so, sometimes we talk like close friends, and other times we exchange gentle kisses and caresses in all simplicity. ;-)

      CLICK TO ENLARGE Here's for the moment being where I am at with my relationships with women. Understand that when you go through a bad experience, you think twice before trying the same thing. And love can sometime complicate things. It is important to respect ourselves, but respect our partner too. New things are not to be taken lightly in this matter. After all, we may not always feel the same things at the same time. Staying in tune with your partner can only enhance the pleasure of the experience. And even though it is all too normal for me to let him play with another woman, it would be a trap to take things for granted from his point of view. And I've learned that it is a necessity to respect the other's limits. A man might fantasize on making love to two women at a time, and when in love, he might be reminiscent to do so. The same applies to the both of us… but also to the third party! And this might all seem complicated, but it's not. We talk a lot And so I know his limits, and he knows mine. And would believe me if I told you that knowing the limits only enhances the freedom we both have? Think about it…

      Martin told me a beautiful thing recently, and what he said really struck me. I feel it describes very well what it is to play (bdsm games, or even sex) with someone other then your spouse. He said : « To play 'elsewhere' is like a tasteful voyage : it is lots of Fun, and it's always exciting to come back home ».

      On a final note, let me apologize for the lateness of my update recently. I do want to update my diary weekly, but things are often out of my control. Although I do understand English very well (spoken and written), I always prefer to write long texts in French. My ideas are more fluent this way… But this also means I am at the mercy of my translator. And my updates are also at the mercy of Martin's busy agenda. Never the less, a new friend has joined my page and proposed to help with the translation. Thanks to Patrick. You know who you are.
      I would also like to express my thanks to Karine and Dominic who accepted to let me post the photos of one of our recent play night at the Fetish Funhouse. ;-)

      Until next time,